You’re Frightened of Rejection


“What you think of me is none of my business.”
— Terry Cole-Whittaker

You don’t like being rejected.

You want to be the best.

Or, at the very least, you want to be good enough – the words you write, the songs you sing, the fun you make.

You want to be good enough. So the fear of rejection no longer haunts you. You want to know what’s going to happen next. So there are no unpleasant surprises. You want to ‘get it’. So you never get to ‘lose it’.

You don’t like being rejected.

And what is rejection, anyway? What does the dictionary say? Rejection, noun:

– the dismissing or refusing of a proposal, idea, etc.
– the action of spurning a person’s affections.

(Courtesy of Google.)

Put more simply, then, rejection: not getting what you want.

But, shhh, come closer and let me tell you a secret: rejection doesn’t exist. You have nothing to fear. You’re already good enough, right now, as you are.

Rejection doesn’t exist.

You might not always get what you want – the girl, the gig, the glory – but that isn’t rejection, it’s just turning left instead of the desired direction right.

Rejection. Failure. Flaws. All definitions determined by you. Accepted by you. Unquestioned by you.

And all because you think you know what’s best for you. You think you know how things should go. You think you’re the one in control of things.

You think?

Truth is, you think. Truth is, something happens. (And something’s always happening.) And you make ‘something’ of that something.

Sometimes that something feels good to you. And sometimes it doesn’t. And those sometimes become rejection times. Times to avoid – at all costs, if possible, let’s just not go there!

Something happens. Something’s always happening. That is all.

It is NOT personal.

So rejection doesn’t exist. Unless you create it. In your mind. As a judgement. And, if you know your Walt Whitman, a judgement is merely the opposite to a curiosity.

Rejection doesn’t exist.

You just think it does.

As does everyone else.

As summed up rather perfectly by these words from the successful and the sought after:

Sometimes I feel my whole life has been one big rejection.
— Marilyn Monroe

For every successful actor or actress, there are countless numbers who don’t make it. The name of the game is rejection. You go to an audition and you’re told you’re too tall or you’re too Irish or your nose is not quite right. You’re rejected for your education, you’re rejected for this or that and it’s really tough.
— Liam Neeson

I don’t want anyone who doesn’t want me.
— Oprah Winfrey

Ouch, Oprah, I hear you. You probably hear her, too. Who’d ever want that, eh?

No-one. Why not? Because no-one wants to be reminded of their fearful deep-down belief that they are not worthy, that they are not enough.

These wise words from Africa speak to this well:

If there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can do us no harm.
— African proverb

Rejection doesn’t exist. Out there. Unless it exists in there, inside of you.

Or rather rejection only exists in your mind’s eye. That’s the only place it can be seen, felt and tasted. You make it up, build it into something monstrous, and carve it into stone.

I want X, but got Y instead – oh woe is me, I’m such a Zero!
— Everyone?

The sad truth is, rejection is in the eye of the beholder, just like beauty, just like everything. (Like fish in invisible water, you never notice the eye you’re beholding with.)

You create it for yourself, then – via complex rules that always go unchallenged – and then pretend to have nothing to do with what you’ve created.

Or, as famed quantum physicist David Bohm once so wisely put it: “Thought creates the world and then says ‘I didn’t do it'”

You set yourself up for the fail like this. Time and time again. The world in slow-motion self-destructive descent.

And, of course, this is how you’ve learnt to grow, how you’ve learnt to develop and become the person you are.

This weakness of yours – the meaning you give to your thinking – has also been a strength.

You’ve punished yourself with your psyche-penetrating must-do-betters. And it’s worked. A little, anyway. Oh, but the scars, the battle scars (heart-felt ravages?] of a life lived thus.

And all because of a demon that doesn’t actually exist


Do you want me to tell you something that’ll really haunt you, when it comes to not being so-called rejected?

What people want – potential partners, curious clients, a wondrous world – what they want is YOU: they want to feel that very part of you you least want to share. The core of you, Who You Really Are, that which you rarely share with yourself.

Essence of You.

They want to hear from That One.

Because hearing from That One in you helps them hear from That One in them.

As Carl Rogers puts it, “What I am is good enough if I would only be it openly.”

And your fear of rejection merely stirs their own rejection fears. And even though I’d like to thikn I’ve shown that this rejection really is a figment of your imagination. Your imagination is powerful, your imagination makes things real, as does their imagination too.

So your fear of rejection is really your fear or reminding yourself that you are not sharing yourself fully. That you are not present. That you are not HERE.

Your fear of rejection is another reminder that you are not being yourself, that you are not being you.

The you that is unstoppable.

The you that is grounded.

The you that is comfortable in your skin.

Hmm, THAT you.

You fear rejection. You fear that mythical beast created to remind you, a la tenacious torment, that who you really are is fearless: you’ve just forgotten.

Rejection fear, then, is fear of seeing yourself for who you are.

Rejection fear: a fear of being you.

You’re scared of yourself, simple as that.

If the only thing people learned was not to be afraid of their experience, that alone would change the world.
— Sydney Banks

So, again, can I be me and you be you?

It really would change the world – your world and mine.


Agree with what I’ve shared here? Disagree? Still got questions? Then please leave a comment. 🙂